March 20, 2004 | 11:25 pm
i stayed home tonight to write an essay for dr. spears' class.

he asked us to write about our chains, or to define a chain. it was an extra credit assignment, so i figured i'd do it.

it's not like i don't write about my chains all the time anyway.

so here it is. i would have liked for it to have more substance, but at 500 words, i found it to be difficult. mine's 713. i hope that's okay with him.

___________

If you saw me on the street, you would see a blonde-haired blue-eyed tanned skin girl. You would probably notice my big smile and the bounce in my step, or you might notice the charisma that seems to seep from my soul. You would not notice, however, the waterproof mascara I wear. Sometimes even I forget that I am not as put together as the person I portray.

I do not think I was a depressed child. If I was, I have no recollection of it. Although I was aware that I was predisposed to depression, I do not remember experiencing symptoms until I was an adolescent. I had become very dependent, though, but not so much on family or even adults. I needed a boyfriend; I needed to be most popular. I needed to be pretty, and thin, and I needed to be the center of attention.

I was, and then I needed more. After losing two close friends to suicide in a week, I decided I needed other things. I needed alcohol and drugs. Eventually I decided I needed sex, too. Before sex, though, I decided that I needed control. I needed to stop eating, I thought, and I needed to die.

That being said, in eight years I have grown. I no longer have that constant urge for the security of a boyfriend. I don�t care if I�m voted most popular, or prettiest. I do not think I need drugs, so I don�t bother with them. I shy away from being the center of attention, and when I find myself stuck in it, I feel embarrassed.

Until the dog/wolf story in class, I thought I was free. I am doing what I have aspired to do � studying psychology in college. In three months I will be transferring University of West Florida for a year, which is something I have always wanted to do. I am independent financially from my parents and I have learned how to balance work, school, and my social life. I do not find myself to be in any binding relationships; I didn�t think I was tied down. I really thought I was free.

The first words I heard after the story were, �If you have an eating disorder, that�s a chain.� Whoa! I have a chain? I have a chain! I know it is not normal for a woman to detest her body. I know it is not normal for a person to eat and then vomit, expunging the body of much needed nutrients. I know better than to think that people who eat and do not throw up do not feel guilty and cry. I know they don�t hit the gym the following day for three hours to make up for eating a whole day�s worth of calories.

As much as I read about eating disorders and I study them, I honestly thought I had control. �Hey, I can stop this when I want!� I thought. I just now see how foolish I am. Maybe I can stop purging; maybe I can stop starving. I feel cannot, however, give it up completely. As soon as I gain the weight back I�ll do it again. I cannot seem to stop the loud voice I hear when I see my reflection, �Hey, fat-ass!!� I thought I was free.

Now I understand what it is to have a chain. My love/hate relationship with bulimia will be with me wherever I go, until I break that chain. It will come to Florida with me when I move. If I do not change, it will be with me when I finish school. It will be in the way of my aspiration of getting my masters in social work. It will, as it has, continue to hold me down.

I do believe a chain can be an anchor. My life, from the outside, is everything I�ve dreamt of. I have what I need to go about my way. The only thing keeping me from success is my chain. There are two ways to break this chain I have, and I am well aware of both: death or recovery. I am on a journey to make the most important decision of my life; How will I break my chain?

_________

i asked him for his insight. i hope he writes back.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006