i'm naked inside my fear

February 13, 2004 | 12:29 pm
yesterday i met again with dr. spears. of course, this was a class meeting, and i was once again in an auditorium classroom with three hundred other students.

dr. spears starts telling this story about a hungry wolf wandering through the forest. he sees a house and smells food cooking, so he seeks it out. when he arrives, he meets a big healthy dog.

bear with me as i retell it, as it is something everyone should hear.

___________

the dog says, "eat some of my food. my master loves me very much and he gave it to me"

the wolf asks, "you mean you don't have to search for food and go hungry for days?"

to which the dog replies, "no, he loves me very much and feeds me twice daily"

after the wolf is finished, he realizes he is very thirsty. he asks for some water and the dog tells him, "please, help yourself. my master loves me very much and he fills it up with water everytime it is empty"

the wolf then asks, "you mean you don't have to search for water when you are thirsty?"

and the dog replies, "no, he loves me very much"

so the wolf drinks the water and then notices a beautiful necklace on the dog. he asks what it is, and the dog says, "oh, these are my tags. they have my master's name on them so in case i get lost i can be returned to him. he loves me very much and would like only for me to be with him"

the wolf, in amazment, asks if the master would like another pet. the dog replies, "you know, i bet he would. he loves me so much but i bet there is room for you"

the dog starts walking towards the wolf and the wolf notices a chain attached to the necklace. the other end of the chain is attached to a large pole in the middle of the yard.

"what's that attaching you to that pole over there?" asks the wolf.

"oh, this is my chain." says the dog, "it keeps me from running away or getting lost. my master loves me very much and would like only for me to be with him, so i am chained to that pole so no one can take me."

"so you can't go run in the mountains? or drink water from a lake?" asks the wolf.

the dog replies, "no, i cannot. but i have this yard. my master loves me and he wants me to be with him. i feel certain he would do the same for you if you'd like."

the wolf replies simply, "no thank you" as he is backing off. after looking at the chain he realizes that it is important to him to be free of the chain and to explore the world. without the chain he can do whatever he wants, even if he has to search for his own food and find a warm place to sleep and water to drink.

_______________

then he pauses, and asks the class, "what are your chains?"

so of course, i'm thinking, i don't have a boyfriend here, i AM leaving to go to florida and that is what i want to do. i am free and doing what i want with my life in just five months. i have no chains.

after waiting for the class to think, as i did, he says, "if you have an eating disorder, that's a chain"

my eyes welled up with tears and i faught them back. i would not cry in this lecture hall.

"if you have an anxiety disorder, that's a chain. if you're depressed, that's a chain. if you're with a man or a woman that holds you down, that's a chain. if you live under someone else's rules, that's a chain. religion can be a chain.

"everything can be a chain if you allow it to. but you allow these chains, and you can be free of them if you please. you can do anything you want to do."

i wrote it in my notebook, knowing it wouldn't be an exam question.

"what are my chains?"

so to this i answer myself. depression. bulimia. anxiety disorder. my mother. my work ethic and sense of responsibility to others. my inseccurities about myself as a person.

i'm drawing a blank. i know there are more.

and dr. spears encouraged us to send him an email about our chains, and he said if we wanted to he would just delete them, but he would respond if asked. he told us it would be a good thing to look at our chains.

and i think i will. i think i will ask for his response, and i think i will ask for his referral to a clinical psychologist. i was heartbroken to find that he lives out of state and would not be available for service, but maybe he has a good suggestion.

chains.

what are your chains?

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