i'm naked inside my fear

July 02, 2006 | 10:32 pm
this is an attempt to update you all on my life for the last six-eight months.

it's been busy.

i graduated college; yay! in january i went to los angeles to visit my friend emily. we had a spectacular time. wait. let me back up.

ryan and i ended our year and a half relationship in august. i thought we were going to be married, so actually breaking up was a huge surprise. it came down to me needing to know where he was going to be in a couple of years so i would know where to attempt to go to graduate school, and him not being able to commit to the idea of being with me. i'm estatic that it happened sooner rather than later, but i was broken hearted.

huricane came through and school was cancelled for awhile. ryan and i had just broken up, so i drowned myself in makers mark and didn't leave my old hangout of rotolos. i started hanging out with this guy brian (i know, it rhymes) at the bar and one night we hooked up. after that we started spending time together frequently, and he was hospitalized for a staph infection. i stayed with him while he was in the hospital and somehow got attached. he was an okay guy, but not my type -- too loud and cocky for my taste; he is spoiled and immature. but it worked, for awhile.

he'd get angry when he was drunk, but i wrote it off as the alcohol. then it started happening more frequently, and he'd be angry/jealous over something stupid and throw things. call me names. degrade me. you don't call someone who has recovered from an eating disorder a "fat whore"... but he did.

without going into too much detail, everytime i'd break it off, he'd flip out. it became almost easier to be with him, and of course because i cared about him, i found it impossible to see him suffer. finally, when he'd ruined the millionith night (the night of my birthday party, nonetheless) i found the courage to leave him. everytime i'd left him before, i'd go back to him, but this time i didn't answer the phone and i stayed at a friend's house.

to make this shorter, i'll just say that i'd had to take him to court, get a restraining order, etc... it seriously got out of control.

it got so bad that when i started seeing someone else (mike), he started harassing that person, and i honestly can't blame mike for not wanting to deal with it and cutting things off.

so i got into graduate school at LSU (where i went for undergrad) and have no idea how i'm going to pay for it. after two years, though, i'll be finished and i'll be able to make some money (finally)!! i'll be going into social work, and hopefully my personal life won't get into the way. i just have to be VERY careful!

i'm not bartending anymore, but i am waiting tables. same thing, less money; the house are much better for grad school, which was the appeal. since school doesn't start until august, and i graduated in december of last year, i've been working about 40 hours a week. it feels great to be good at my job and respected by management and coworkers alike. this is something that hasn't always been the case in the past. the money's only okay, but i stay there because the job is a great one.

just a couple of nights ago, mike came around. hopefully crazy brian won't get in the way this time. i hate to bring anyone into the hell that brian puts me through, especially someone like mike. he's a great person and he doesn't deserve the bullshit. at the same time, i know i could be great for him, and him for me, so i hate to not give it a fair chance. i only hope he does the same.

that's about it for now! sorry it's been so long. i miss you guys ;(

before | after