i'm naked inside my fear

March 24, 2005 | 5:39 pm
it's spring break and we haven't really done anything. well, spring break is almost over. oh well.
we stayed a night at a casino in biloxi, ms. and spent the following day at the zoo in new orleans. i love the zoo so much i think i could actually become a zoo keeper. too bad i'm going into social work.
tequila spent the day inside of my dresser. she used to get in the drawers and go all the way to the back of the dresser and come out whenever she pleased, but i think she's a bit too large now to get out. or at least she thinks so, because i just took her out and she had been in there since midnight. i wasn't home so i didn't realize she wasn't out and about.
our new puppy, roxie, is wonderful. she brings so much joy to my life. when ryan's working late she's sleeping in bed with me, and she'll always give me kisses. why can't i just move away to a farm and raise animals?
this one goat at the petting zoo was licking ryan's hand, and he pointed it out to me, so i got hooked. i had this thing licking my arm all the way up to the short sleeve of my tshirt. he'd have made the sleeve shorter if i'd have let him continue biting on my sleeve. it was a hit with all the little kids.
graduation is creeping up, it seems, as i have less than 30 hours left to complete. i'll be finished in december and i'll have a whole spring/summer to work/relax before graduate school starts in the fall. i guess i should get to taking the GRE sometime soon, although i'm not too thrilled about it.
my brother is still in jail and now his wife says she is filing for divorce. she claims they were separating before this whole ordeal, but she never told us about it. all of the times i confronted her about the man who is living in their house together while my brother rots in prison (the man that is her roommate, helping her pay the bills that she can still not pay) she always said she loved joshua and she was true to him. now she says that he no longer has a place to live when he is out of jail.
just to back up a bit, at some point my brother's car was sold for drugs that they consumed together. the house is in her name alone, purchased with her money from an insurance settlement. when their home was raided, he said all of the drugs were his so she would be able to get off. she has a house and a car and a shorter criminal record. and now she's leaving him with nothing.
needless to say, i am broken about it and have no idea what to do. i'm not even sure if he knows -- she only told my family this when she was confronted about why she would not visit him in prison last saturday. i know my mother doesn't have the heart to tell him, and i'm wondering if i do. what if he decides he has nothing to live for and no reason to be out of jail? he is very depressed and has been for many years and this is rock bottom. when and if he is released he will have a felony charge (if not two) and no car, home, or money. helping him is on the brink of enabling, but it's so difficult to see him struggle. i'm at a loss of ideas... i don't know what to do.
so i try not to think about it. he has a home for now, parish prison. he is fed and the bills are paid. i don't know what happens after that.

before | after