i'm naked inside my fear

December 12, 2004 | 11:22 pm
i wonder if my meds are hitting a plateau. i haven't read much about effexor, but i know i hit the wall with prozac when i took that. eventually, my dosage was increased and it once again helped.
and i know a lot of factors are external right now -- my brother still in jail, doing who knows what; my mom writing my brother, telling him he's fucking up and my brother writing back and saying he's out of the family if she ever tells him what to do about it; my mom crying to me about all of the above; my sister getting married and me having to organize a lot of things with her wedding; my mom graduating and wanting me to throw her a party; all the while, moving states and having to pack/unpack (and find my sanity and where i packed it); ryan and i at each other's throats, even though we promise to take it easy; ryan and i both agreeing that we are not being good to each other right now, but we can't figure out what to change; me having no money and not working as of right now, etc.
yes, there is even etc.
and i know the holidays are stressful times for all, but i believe this started before the holiday. i think my move and the city i lived in made it more difficult for me to feel normal, but i can almost pinpoint the time when things started going downhill. i could talk about them until they're blue in the face and i don't seem to get anywhere. instead of venting, these stressors bother me more when i think of them. i feel broken and scared and alone and the thing is i am, for once, not. besides not working (only for another two weeks) i have it together right now. i think i had all A's this semester. i'm going to graduate soon. the things in my life that only involve me are actually for once under control, but it's impossible to say that the external things that involve others is everyone else's fault.
what i mean is, if i really have it together, then why do i have so many conflictual things going on in my life? i cannot honestly say that i am not a part of the problem.
i feel my hope is depleting and my patience is short and i cannot just get a good cry when i need to because it turns into a full out fit that leaves me with a hungover feeling the whole day (or day after).
i feel i am using so much energy to try to feel normal, and it is still not working.
i don't feel like myself and ryan and i are really struggling right now because of it. he reacts to me and i react to him and it's a vicious cycle that neither one of us can seem to crawl out of. the whole time, though, we can realize that we are very much in love, and although we are unhappy with what we're doing (or saying to each other) we're still doing it (or saying it) and it's very hard to recover from, for both of us i think.
although he can play it off better than i can. i can't even pretend to act normal when something is wrong with us.
i'm rambling. i need to see my doctor about my meds. i don't want to keep feeling this way, and i fear that if things do not change, i will find other ways to escape these problems.

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