i'm naked inside my fear

November 13, 2004 | 10:13 pm
i still have no updates on my brother. i wrote him a three page letter and tried best to avoid the subject: your heroin addiction. i wrote about pensacola, ryan, my sister's wedding, LSU football, and anything else i could think of at the time. i could only write briefly about how sorry i was about his "situation" but didn't go into any detail. who am i to judge?
and i didn't cry, you know, because i was in the middle of the store surrounded in strangers. plus i was in shock. i went to ryan's work and managed to get out about five tears as i told him what happened, but he had to get back to the bar. afterwards, i went to my mom's house (no one was home) and baked a cake and two apple pies, and then fixed dinner (which happened to be my first meal of the day.) i was exhausted.
and i'm not sure if i cried that night. i don't think i did. i was so tired that by the time ryan got off work i was fast asleep. it was the next night... yes. it was the next night that i broke down. and every third minute since. i've been trying to keep myself together, but it's difficult thinking that there is a chance that i will never see him alive again. i cannot visit during visitation (wednesdays, i'm in school in PCOLA) and i'm afraid something will happen to him as he goes through his withdrawals. i suppose the pain gets easier day after day, as i am not hearing the news of his death or suicide and i am starting to think that jail might just be sobering him up.
it's just that the last time that i saw him or talked to him was in august -- august 1 when i had my going away party. since i have invited him to dinner (which he missed) and attempted to contact him and gotten no response. i guess he was just doing so poorly that he couldn't even let me see.
and ryan tells me that what i did has nothing to do with how he is now. he reminds me that my brother is very intelligent (the most intelligent person i know, matter of fact, and even more intelligent than anyone i know of in the world alive today) and that he can make decisions for himself. my biggest fear is that i opened a door for him that became his scapegoat for life -- and for that, i cannot forgive myself.
at least not until he is in health again.
and i don't know if i believe in god -- i can't seem to make up my mind. but i do know that i need some sort of spiritual cleansing, and i do not know how to attain this feeling.
any suggestions?

before | after