i'm naked inside my fear

April 23, 2004 | 12:29 am
i think i'm going crazy.

i tried to explain it today to ryan but i don't think my explination was very effective.

i got really angry today and i don't know why. i just had this overwhelming aggression pent up inside and i was trying so hard to not take it out on him. he was being wonderful! certainly he didn't deserve me to lash out.

so i swallowed it, and i swallowed it, and then it hit me. instead of hurting someone else (which was the only thing i wanted to do) i took it all inside and started crying. i really made myself upset.

i was, of course, still at ryan's house and i wasn't going to cry as hard as i needed to in front of him. i wanted to scream and cry and bury myself in blankets but i didn't want to act like a child. that's just how i felt.

so he held me, and gave me an early birthday card. he pushed my hair from my face as the tears toppled down. after a while i was sick of crying so i just decided to stop.

he went to see some friends at a restaurant/bar and i went to tracey's house. tracey bought me a gift and gave me a card and the check from babysitting sam. i faked happy when i was there, you know, and i think it actually made me feel a little bit better. if i'd have just gone home i probably would have done the whole crying like a foolish girl bit.

and you know, i even thought i could meet ryan and his friends for an hour or so. i called him and told him i'd go home and get dressed and meet him out there. i guess i felt okay.

six minutes later - maybe seven - i called him back. i don't know what it was - the anxiety of being around people? the thought of having to face others feeling as bad as i was? i can't put my finger on it now, but the cloud that darkens my life came back and i decided there was NO way i could leave my house. i called him and told him i couldn't go. he promised to meet me at my house in an hour to finish a movie we'd been watching earlier.

and i felt okay, you know? i just stayed busy until he came over. he actually came a little earlier than he said he would. we started watching the movie, and i didn't feel great, but i was okay.

i don't even know what started it, but we started arguing about little things today. i guess that's what happens when you're around someone a lot. it's just never really happened with us.

and i know it's too much to ask but i just feel like i need someone to be extra careful with me. i'm depressed. i wish it was just a bad day.

don't get me wrong, i have good days, but i'm still depressed!

and i'm extra sensitive when i'm having a bad day (which i was) and if i'm upset early in the day i'm more likely to stay upset all day (which i had been) and i guess i just feel like i need everyone around me to understand that.

i think that's one of the most difficult things about being with someone who has never been "depressed" by definition. when i asked him about it just now he said it's hard for him to remember sometimes that i'm just ALWAYS sad, even when i'm happy.

i feel like i'm throwing this pity party for myself and i can't stop. i didn't even really have a bad day! nothing happened! i failed an exam, sure, but i was upset before that! i have just really felt the effects of my depression all day.

all fucking day.

so here i am, crying so hard i can barely see, writing in my diary hoping that it all comes out.

sometimes i just don't see the point. i don't feel a bit better.

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