i'm naked inside my fear

April 19, 2004 | 9:28 am
today is one of those days.

i stayed at sam's house last night, last minute. tracey called me from chicago (she was stuck - she missed her connecting flight) and asked me to go get him at his friend's house. ryan and i were eating dinner and watching the hornets playoff game, but after dinner we picked him up and brought him to the house.

i watched chris rock and ryan fell asleep. he was sleepy after his soccer game. i think it was LSU club soccer. i don't know. the score was 2-2 and ryan didn't play up to his standards. he stayed in good spirit, though.

i couldn't sleep. what's new? i was awake until about 2:30 and found it difficult to wake up this morning at 7:30. after i brought sam to school, i came home. i could have slept, but decided instead i would binge.

and then found myself too tired/sick to purge. don't get me wrong - it wasn't a HUGE binge. it feels like it though. a bowl of cereal and seven tortilla chips and salsa. i didn't even count calories or portion sizes because i figured it would be coming up. what's wrong with me? i can'teven purge anymore.

i'm growing. i've probably gained six or so pounds in the past two or three months. i keep getting bigger and nothing is reducing my size. it's difficult because i wasn't happy with my body when i was fifteen pounds lighter.

toni bankston is on vacation and i couldn't get an apt. with dr. sura until may 3. i was under the impression that he would fit me in, but i have seen no evidence of that. that means i won't start any medication until then. that's also discouraging.

so today is one of those days. it's 9:30 and i should be getting ready for class but i'm going to miss. i'm awake, you know, and i could go. i should go, but i won't. i can't stand to look at how disgusting i am and i can't imagine forcing anyone else to look at me.

how can ryan find me sexually attractive when i find myself nothing less than painful to look at?

i go to dr. solar today for my annual. joy.

before | after