February 18, 2004 | 4:27 pm
thank you all for the emails, notes, and guestbook entries on how to deal with the situation from my last entry. this is a follow-up entry. bear with me.

for one, i mistakenly did not mention the outcome of the previous text-messaging experience ryan and i both shared. the night that i saw that message, i left (creating a scene i haven't been able to live down just yet) and drove (stupidly) home. not but a few minutes behind me was ryan who wanted to come over and talk. and that we did, and what was said i do not remember. the next morning at 7:30am he woke me up and said, "do you know what the last thing you said to me last night before you went to sleep was?"

and i'm thinking, shit. that could have been anything! after two glasses of wine, six or seven shots and a couple beers, i'll say ANYTHING. please don't let me have said those three little words. surely that's not what i wanted to say, or what i meant.

so i ask, and he attempts the high octive of my voice replying, "lets just be frrrriiiiieeennndddsss!"

needless to say, we remained more than that. he slept next to me that night and in the morning we talked and he "explained" to me that his cell phone only holds some of the outgoing texts. that's weird i thought. not the phone thing. that this guy seriously thinks i'm this fucking stupid. i tell him i think we'd be better off bringing things to a halt and that i'm not ready for all of this anyway.

he does not take it easily. he tells me how much he enjoys what we have and that if i need to slow down, he can do that, but he doesn't think we should quit seeing each other alltogether. i disagree, but eventually give in, as i want to be with him anyway.

don't get me wrong, though. i keep in mind that i don't believe his story.

so i do the dirty thing. i'm not into doing the dirty things, but i already looked in his phone and found out about the message, why not look again to see if he's telling me the truth about this "selective saving of text messages" in the outbox?

so i check. once when he was in the shower and once when he was at my house. i feel so dirty and snoopy -- not my style, but then again, i need to know, right? he seems to be either telling the truth or really covering his ass. but who would go through their phone and make sure their outgoing texts are screwy all of the time just in case their significant other checked? that's just crazy.

maybe i'm just crazy for doubting him.

and the whole thing with him talking to his ex. one night (recently) i was at his house and she called. i didn't know this; we were all sitting around and he jumped and went to the kitchen. a few minutes later he calls me in there and tells me he needs to call her back, that she's crying and she absolutly has to talk to him. he asks me to stay and promises he won't be long.

i decline his offer to stay and storm out promptly. shortly afterwards he calls and explains the situation.

i am not concerned with the situation! i went ahead and let him know it was not okay for her to come to him with her problems, or anything else. he agreed, and that has since been dropped.

so. here we are. i'm wondering where he's going this weekend and he swears atlanta to work with his uncle's friend. he can't describe this trip to me much, or why it's on a weekend, but what he does say is that he'll be going offshore and learning some things about this company's work. (he's in civil engineering at my school.) this experience will help him better pick his concentration in civil engineering and help him get his foot in the door when he graduates next spring.

and the outcome: after all of the advice i'd gotten (thankyouthankyouthankyou all) i decided to be straight forward and direct. that is, after all, what i would want if the situation was the other way around. i asked him if he was going to see her, and i explained why it sounded like he was. i did this in a calm manner and was as straight forward as i could possibly be. i told him that suspecting that he was going to see her was making me crazy. i told him i just needed to know what was going on.

and he told me he really was going to atlanta, and he asked me why i would think otherwise. i told him he was hard to read, and that i didn't want to play games with him.

i just don't have time for this i like you but i'm going to act like i don't sometimes and other times act like you're the queen of my world bullshit. i'm leaving in five months! he tells me he's worried he'll come on too strong and he often holds his feelings back. we talk about that some, and i told him i never had a clue what he thought of me and that he should put more effort into making his feelings known. he has, since, done a wonderful job. is he just sucking up because he fucked up? i don't know. part of me wonders if i'm just so hard on him because i have serious trust issues. if i am being so hard on him, though, and he does deserve it, kudos to ryan for putting up with my shit.

so the conflict was (somewhat) resolved - after this long entry that's what i'm getting at. he promised me he's going for his job interview and i'm just going to have to put as much faith as i can into him and see how it works out. the worst thing that can happen, at this point, is that i'll find out in another month that he's seeing her still. sure, i might be more involved, and i might have wasted more time, but oh well. it can't hurt too bad.

after all i've been through, i don't (usually) have problems forgetting about boys.

and i'm going to live on the beach, buddy, so you better straighten up if you want somewhere to stay for summer break!

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006