January 26, 2004 | 2:59 am
so this will be the second time i have written this, as i attempted the other day and failed miserably.

dr. bill spears. i am told bob dylan makes reference to him in a book he wrote, but this has not been confirmed. ben from nino's told me. he's in that class with me too.

personality psychology. it's a 3000 level psychology class i'm taking as an elective.

so bill spears introduces himself. he works all across the nation, assessing people and bringing them into treatment. he's been called to bring celebrities to the betty ford clinic. he introduces his eleven-year-old step-son, mark, that came to class with him. mark had just gotten out of school. his lips were stained red, along with a circle around his mouth. i remember when life was so simple that i would eat a frostee and i thought it was funny that it stained my entire face.

so dr. bill spears. he tells the class of his alcoholism, and his journey in the 70's to smoke all of the pot in the world. he tells us he, himself, was in an institution and that he wanted to figure out about himself.

then he goes on to say that most of the people in personality, short of those who are taking it to possibly raise their GPAs, are curious about their own personalities.

after doing what my school does in all social work or psychology classes (the "things in this class might bring up emotions so rely on LSU mental health services for that" spill) we are instructed to write a paragraph consisting of personality traits, or qualities, that each of us have. i wrote things such as "hard-working" and "ambitious" and when i was finished, i joined the rest of the class in giving the professor my attention. the class was then instructed to write a similar paragraph but this time with traits of what we look for in a friend or significant other. i was surprised (although, in hindsight, i am not surprised) to find that many of the things i see in myself i look for in other people. of course i want someone who shares my ambition and love for learning. of course i want someone with a similarly athletic lifestyle. of course i want someone who can understand my background and who isn't always happy themselves. as i made this realization, i learned a lot about myself. realize this is the first day in a psychology class. we should be taking about sigmund freud and chapter one of the book. but this class was different that the others.

dr. spears then takes a crisp twenty dollar bill from his wallet. he proceeds to wander around the classroom and offer the twenty to some of the students. not a person declines his offer, but he moves on and asks around anyway. he then crumbles it in his hand and throws it against the wall. after doing this for a while, he puts it under his loafer and stomps on it. dr. spears then asks students in the class if they are interested in taking the twenty off of him. not a person declines his offer, as expected. he beats it up again and offers it again, and still, all students accept his offer of the bill.

and what he said afterwards, he said to me. i was, of course, sitting amongst 300 or so students in the biggest lecture hall in lockett, but he said it to me. surely others felt as i did at that point, but looking around, it was not evident. surely others hide their emotions as well, if not better, than i.

dr. spears said, "things have happened in all of your lives that make you feel less valuable. you have been raped and lied to and shamed, and i know each of you, just like this twenty, still hold the value you have always had. know this. no matter what has happened in your past, you are just as valuable as you have always been."

and as my eyes welled up with tears, i was suddenly aware that i was surrounded by these 300 someodd people and my tears would be evident in the flourescent light in the lecture hall. i was aware that this comment affected other people in the room, but only the ones with character and life experience. it was obvious who does not belong in this group as some students were whispering and carrying on.

i felt that anyone who was affected by this statement would have done the only appropiate thing at the time -- to be quiet and listen.

for me, that meant holding back tears. i had known this man for just short of an hour and i thought only of the tens of thousands of dollars spent in my time in the mental health system. three institutions and two handfuls of therapists later, this man was making a difference in what i thought of myself. my wish to be happy was not granted, but for some reason the words this man said opened something inside of me that made me wish i had enough money to pay for a session with HIM. and not just a session, a series of sessions. daily sessions. i needed this daily.

i needed someone to tell me that no matter how broken inside i am and no matter how fucked up i've become, i'm still valuable.

and for some reason, when he told me that, i believed him. he doesn't even know my name; he probably didn't even notice me. but i believed him. i believe him. i do.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006