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April 28, 2004 | 9:03 pm
i feel i am at a loss for words. all i want to do is crawl into a hole and cry and never ever come out. there's no particular reason, i just feel this way. i've managed to get myself to do things lately though. last night i managed to go out to eat dinner and go out afterwards for drinks. i didn't go out before i purged my dinner, though. not so fun to purge mexican food. it hurts. bad. i've found that i am myself in front of ryan and not in a healthy way. my promise to never purge around him has been broken several times now and it hurts me so much that i cannot even control that urge in his presence. it makes me feel like i'm getting worse.
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